Monday, May 31, 2010

Holiday Grilling


















Wait! before you fold that precious aluminum foil into a hat, consider wrapping it around some raw meat and grille yourself somethin' tasty!

Today is Memorial Day, and although this holiday commemorates the valiant efforts of brave troops who sacrificed everything to procure our way of life, for many, it also kicks-off the summer grilling season.

In recent decades, the propane grille brought convenience, speed and economy to grilling. As a result, grilling has become so routine, that many people grille several times every week! Propane grilling has successfully brought grilling to the masses, but in the process, it has also forfeited some intrinsic grilling romance.

Let's face it. Grilling with propane is simple. Crank the knob, press the igniter button, and within a few minutes, the grille achieves a constant, ambient temperature, and sustains it for as long as you need it. Where's the art and risk with that?

With the possible exception of the one time the regulator on my propane grille broke and the entire thing blew up (lost some damned good chicken in that battle), grilling with propane has always been boring to me. Things were different when I was a kid, though.

Back then, we grilled three times every year - Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day. Dad would wheel the grille out from some dark corner of the garage, line the basin with newspaper, fill it with coals, and then wait, sometimes for several hours, before the grilling could commence. And, as is always the case with charcoal cooking, if he missed his window of opportunity by so much as a minute, we would be broiling our meal in the electric oven in the house.

By no means was dad a grille-master. The man couldn't cook toast, but for whatever reason, he and mom recognized that outdoor cooking was somehow his domain, much like that of the cavemen who preceded him. Regardless of his culinary acumen, the aromas emitted by his grille are never to be forgotten. That aroma is one of the great benefits of charcoal grilling that propane cooking will never achieve.

When we were kids, we could tell when one of our neighbors was grilling. As soon as that first slab of meat seared against the metal grille, playing came to a screeching halt, no matter what we were doing or where we were doing it, and we all stuck our noses in the air, closed our eyes and guessed who was grilling and what they were having. No matter what our moms were cooking that night, we envied the family eating carcinogen-infused meat.

And the romance of charcoal grilling didn't end with those nose-tantalizing fumes. No sir. Danger also played a key role in every grilling adventure.

What kid didn't, at some time or another, run through the yard and trip over one of the grille's tri-pod legs, tipping the grille over and filling the air with flaming hot nuggets of charcoal? Who among us didn't touch the side of the grille at least once to see if it was really all that hot? Whose father didn't burn off at least one of his sideburns and eyebrows after tossing a match into the lighter-fluid soaked brickettes? Those were the days, my friends, and propane has stolen these precious experiences from our children.

Well not on my watch, damnit!

This year, I have made the commitment to return to my roots. Although I maintain my propane grille as a back-up, I have begun to venture down the path of charcoal grilling. For now, the food tastes of lighter fluid, and my eyeballs are scorched from smoke and recirculating flames, but that's okay, because I'm doing this for my children, so one day, they can tell their children why they hate grilled food. No, wait. That wasn't the point. ... No, I want my children to tell their children of the aromas they'd smell when the neighborhood winds shifted just right, and how the other kids would envy them when the reality struck them that my kids were going to enjoy some seared meat, and possibly a trip to the hospital after knocking over the grille and burning themselves with flaming embers!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm so tough, I can ... OWWEE, a PAPER CUT!!!



Somewhere along the line, society bought into the idea that boys are tough and girls need to be protected. Who's the marketing genius who instigated this lie???

Case in point: this morning, my 9 year-old boy decided to stop his bike by dragging his body along a pebble-covered street. In his defense, he didn't do this on purpose. He's just a klutz. We were apprised of this catastrophe while reading the Sunday comics and stuffing pancakes into our mouths. - so much for breakfast.

Upon arriving on the scene, I was greeted by a hyperventilating, sobbing 9 year-old boy with a pretty nice case of "road rash," and a bicycle which had once again separated itself from its chain.

Of course, neither my son, nor his confederate could provide any details whatsoever of what happened. In my mind, I've envisioned them mindlessly riding along while my son spontaneously exploded off his seat, but the reality is probably far closer to mundane: stopped watching where he was going, lost balance and face-planted. The "how" is far less important than the results in this case, though.

For the ensuing hour, my rough-and-tumble son blubbered uncontrollably as mommy cleaned and dressed his various boo-boos. Again, his friend peered on, expressionless, seemingly more concerned with whether they were going to resume their bike ride than for the welfare of his fallen comrade.

Across the neighborhood, we have a friend who has two daughters the same age as our tender sons (7 and 9). Unlike our boys, if one held these girls down and ran a cheese grater up and down across their foreheads, they wouldn't cry. No, instead they would look back at the offender with an expression of utter contempt, and mock them "is that all you got?!"

These are girls, for God's sake. Aren't they supposed to be delicate flowers in need of constant protection, and shouldn't boys be the ones jumping off rooftops and trying to decipher the burn-point of TNT???

We're probably left to assume, at some point, the scales will tip the other way, and these girls and boys will take their appropriate places on the toughness continuum, but if what women my age tell me, that balance never happens.

Apparently, whenever men catch a sniffle, they become sniveling masses of blamange, while women can have limbs severed and still be expected to complete the day's chores. While this is always thrown in our faces, and we try to dismiss it, the fact is, I think women are actually tougher than men.

Consider this fact: women deliver children.

Have you ever witnessed this little miracle? Not only does it appear to be horrendously painful, it's also flat-out disgusting. My goodness, what a mess!

If men were expected to produce offspring, this would be a very lonely planet.

Mary: "Hey Bob, wanna have a baby?"

Bob: "Get away from me, Mary."

Seriously, with the exception of possibly two guys I know, not one of us would ever go through pregnancy or birth. NFW!

There you have it. I think chics can kick our male behinds, and we only think we're tougher than them because they (a) let us think that and (b) want us to think that.

What sort of diabolical purpose do these manipulative creatures have for perpetuating such a mis-truth? See? It's their fault. It's always their fault ...

Let me know your thoughts, but be kind. My feelings are tender ...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Getting Started





This is my first post on my first blog, so please humor me.

Hopefully, as this blog evolves, readers will share anecdotes, or jokes, or queries about the oddities of life. Even banal depictions of the mundane travails of an ordinary day are welcome.

- have an epiphany or mental lapse while cutting the lawn today? Share it. We'd all love to hear about it. Really. Okay, not really, but try not to be difficult.

You know, this blog-thing is sort of like speaking into a microphone with loudspeakers pointed toward deep space. Nothing said really matters if no one's listening, right? Hopefully, at least the frustrated aliens who keep trying to read the minds of the Earth's crazies, and who are repeatedly thwarted by the impenetrable resolve of aluminum foil hats will finally receive a signal from us.

Between the constant static imposed by the aluminum foil, and the disjointed ramblings on this blog, the aliens will probably either quit and ignore us, or blast us to smithereens for fear we'll somehow infect the rest of the cosmos.

Please chime in any time ...